A friend of mine recently fell off a ladder while cleaning out his storm gutters. Or that was the story originally told, but what really happened was his ladder sunk into the soft earth and fell away beneath him, which left him hanging from the gutter on his house.

Not a good situation as the gutter was not designed to hold a man for very long. Needless to say he took a quick drop with a rather sudden stop when the gutter unceremoniously dumped him off.

I have taken it upon myself to show everyone the only proper way to clean your roof gutters without using a ladder.  Ladders = Bad.

First it is imperative that you use your own personal prayer bench to climb on to the lean-to roof of your garage. If you don’t have a personal prayer bench, borrow your neighbors.

It is also very important that you wear the same clothes you wore to church that morning. Two very important things.

Then realize you are too short to just hop on to the garage roof, so you must now climb back down using the bench as a ladder of sorts.

Next, go around to the front yard and pull your SUV most of the way into the garage. I failed to mention, you will need to make sure your garage door is fully open before pulling you SUV most of the way into the garage. But you probably figured that out already.

Use the front bumper to climb onto the hood of your SUV, then shimmy up the windshield just like you did when you were 10, and stand on the roof of the SUV. Now it’s just one easy hop to the roof of the garage.

Survey the gutter. And set to work.

When this gutter is clean, move to the roof of the house and begin at a corner. Any corner will do but it really should be the southeastern most corner.

Begin surveying and then get to work.

When the gutters have been sufficiently cleaned, you will merely reverse the getting up process to get down from the roof. But to recap, you will now go from the house roof to the garage roof, hop onto the roof of your SUV, shimmy down the windshield, then it’s a quick hop to the ground from the hood.

But once you’re down you will realize that you really should have trimmed your tree while you were up there. So you will grab your tree trimming shears and again use the bumper of you SUV to climb onto the hood, shimmy up the windshield, stand on the roof and it’s a quick hop to the garage roof.

Now trim away while praise music blares in your ear drums.

Take a selfie of yourself on the roof so everyone can see your cool Harley necklaces.

Yes, my hair really is naturally that red. No, I haven’t dyed it.

Then hop, shimmy, and hop to the ground again and go inside where you will take sunglasses selfies with your offspring.

And that, my dear friends, is how you clean out your gutters.